I know that you are supposed to like or love people based on their character or their soul, but that shit takes a lot of time to figure out. It’s much more efficient to quickly categorize people as loveable, likeable or deeply suspicious based on their surface traits.
Like many people, I have a few such heuristics, so I might as well come clean about them:
| Instant love | Qualified Like | Deal breaker | |
| Coffee preference | Black coffee, no sugar | Latte or cappuccino | Caramel or any other cream-and-flavor combo that suggests you’re trying to turn your coffee into a milkshake |
| Email address | you@yourname.com | yourname@gmail.com | cutesy_nickname@anything.com |
| Mobile number | Matches your home or work number | Is your only number | None* |
| Name | Something you chose for yourself as an adult | Alliterative or hard to spell | So common that nobody can find you on Google, and you like it that way |
| Preferred metaphors | Star Trek | Dating and romance | Sports |
| Favorite book | A novel about the legacy of colonialism, told from multiple perspectives (e.g. The Poisonwood Bible, Crossing the River, Cloud Atlas) | A recent or classic work of literary science fiction | The Secret Life of Bees |
*Friends I’ve had since before there were cell phones are grandfathered in, and exempt from this standard.
Of course, now that I’ve confessed to these little prejudices, it’s now possible to game your way into my heart. But hey, why not jump in with me: what are the weird little signs that let you instantly know when you’re going to like someone?
Table above doesn’t work on iPhone